The Half-Ass Vegan -- Volume I -- "Chicken" Salad Wraps

Okay, this is me actually trying to follow through on shit. It’s a lazy Saturday morning. I have some college football game I don’t really care that much about going on in the background, an LSU game later today (I’m an LSU alum – Geaux Tigers!), leftover gumbo in the fridge, and a somewhat-clean kitchen. I’m set! So now it’s time to make a post.

This is the first installment on the Half-Ass Vegan – where I give quick and easy guides to make something that’s fast and easy, but also tastes good and isn’t that bad for you. (I’m Southern though, so my definition of something being, or not being, “that bad for you” might vary depending on your area of geographic origin, level of common sense, or both. Remember, you are reading something written by a guy that remembers pork rinds fondly.)

Okay, this post is about my chopped “chicken” salad wraps. When people think “chicken salad” they usually think of something creamy and “mayonnaise.” That’s not this recipe. This is more of a salad, with chopped up fake chicken on it, wrapped in a tortilla.

What you need:
Large tortillas
A Boca chicken patty (cooked)
Your favorite kind of leafy stuff (I like baby greens)
Red onions
Cherry or grape tomatoes
Your favorite salad dressing

Okay, at this point you probably know how to make this. You come in from work, and pop the Boca patty in the toaster oven, and you let it cook while you take a shower, and then commit mild acts of animal cruelty on your cat for attacking the toilet paper again while you were gone all day and then trying to destroy your best tie after you got home.

Okay, the patty is done. Fire up your gas range and cook the tortilla right on the burner. That’s right – right on that sum’bitch. Throw it on a plate, and pile on greens, and however much diced onion you want. I usually put on four or so little tomatoes, quartered. I then dice half of a Boca patty, and put it on top. Then you just pour on your dressing, wrap it up and eat it. After that, you have another half of a Boca patty, so you can make another one.

After you are done, and are tired from a long day of working, plus you have just eaten, you will get drowsy. Don’t fight it. Go to sleep. Hell, go to bed! I do it – it’s the secret to keeping my girlish figure.